Our Responsibility in the Beginning

I apologize for being gone for two weeks, I've had some medical issues, but I'm back now!

Okay, you've got the news: your wife is pregnant.  Once the news wears off, you're like "Now what?!!"  "What do I do now?!"  You may use a lot of other words, expletives and phrases, but it's the same general reaction we all have.  We have no idea what to do next and there is no manual; not that we would read the manual anyway.  I suggest you change that idea as fast as you can.  Read everything you can get your eyes on.  There is a lot of information out there, some of it technical, but most of it is aimed at the woman.  That's why I'm here to give you the best advice I can because there isn't much else out there just for men.

First piece of advice: Read.  But be selective in what you read.  Don't read too much about what the woman is going through because you will live it for the next nine months. She'll let you know in no uncertain terms what she is going through.  Instead, read about what the birthing process is like.  Read about what you can expect in the delivery room and in the hospital room afterwards. Read about the stages of development throughout the pregnancy.  Get excited about it.  Know when you can expect to hear a heart beat, see the head, the limbs, and so on. That's what I mean by get informed about the process.  Discuss what you learn with your wife, but pay attention to what she doesn't want to hear about.  There are some things she may not want to know but that fascinate the snot out of us because we are sick and twisted that way.

Next piece of advice: Communicate.  Do not ignore or run away from your wife/girlfriend.  Talk to her.  Be mindful of her feelings and mood, but don't hover.  If you ask how she is doing and she says she's okay, then she's okay.  As her hormones spin more and more out of control, she will be unable to keep from telling you what she needs, wants, or thinks of you and being pregnant at any given moment. In other words, after the first trimester, you won't really have to ask how she's doing because she'll have told you already.  Pay attention to that.  Make her comfortable when she needs it. Let her know that you love her and are there for her, but, above all, talk to her about the baby and the pregnancy.  At some point, you'll have to talk about baby names, furniture, paint color, and much, much more.  Be open to those discussions.  Really listen to those discussions and respond honestly.  Don't be flippant or off-hand about your responses because that could start issues you don't want or need; and we know that we respond that way because we don't know how else to respond (get over it!). Give your honest opinion.  And above all, don't dictate. Share information, talk as if it's a two-way street because it is. You're involved now, so BE involved. Let her know how you're feeling, let her know your concerns, fears, and so on.  You'll probably find out that she shares a lot of those feelings and you may find that some of her answers make you feel better about the pregnancy.

Final piece of advice for now: Be Supportive. Don't be mean or derogatory.  All that ever does and start fights and cause strife that could otherwise be avoided. Don't be a jerk.  She may call you a jerk when you're not being one, but later apologize so don't give her reasons to call you a jerk. If she cries for no reason, hold her and tell her it will be okay.  If she screams at you for no reason, take it.  That goes against our very macho, tough guy nature, but fight that nature.  You'll thank me for it. Because she doesn't really mean it.  Remember, almost everything you are about to experience is hormone driven.  And, it's driven by hormones she can't control no matter how much she tries.

You are about to experience a lot of highs and lows that you have no control over.  You can try to control it, but it's like wrestling cats in a bag int he middle of a hurricane.  And that kind of fight goes nowhere fast. For the next nine months, its not really about you though you are involved.  Get that through your thick skull. When this crazy, wild ride is over, you will be holding your new born son or daughter and everything you just went through will suddenly be worth it.

One of the greatest tools and resources I found during this process is one my wife actually found and subscribed to. And that is a website called www.babycenter.com. This site is full of all sorts of useful information, including what to expect at each stage of development.  Sign up for the site, enter your wife's expected due date, and you will be amazed at what you will learn and how accurate they are, I know I was.

That's it for now!  Next time we talk about cravings and your responsibility!

The Announcement - My Response

How did I handle the announcement? Completely stunned.  For a man who often has a lot to say, I didn't know what to say.  Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that I can't be quiet; and, when others are talking, I often can't wait for them to stop talking so I can. I was simply stupefied.  Eventually, when I found my voice I asked "Are you Sure?".  Of course she was sure, especially my wife.  Over the span of two days, she took three pregnancy tests and consulted the NP (Nurse Practitioner) in her office before she was confident enough to tell me.  She knew my hopes were high and she didn't want to dash those hopes.  Bless her heart!

Let me back track a little here and give you some background before I continue on.  When I met my wife, she was absolutely dead set against having children.  I, of course, wanted lots.  We didn't really discuss children until we'd been together for some time and, by then, I was hopelessly in love with her; so there was no question that we would stay together no matter what.

Over the next several years, I slowly convinced her that it wouldn't be the nightmare she feared.  She was really worried that we would raise a hellion based on other people's children and how they behaved in public.  She was adamant that she would not raise a child like that.  I whole-heartedly agreed which is how we eventually came to the decision that we would have a child.  She finally realized that, after much convincing, every child was different and so was every parent and every situation.  We would do our best with whatever was handed to us to raise a child we could be proud of.

Once we finally came to that agreement, we began to try to have a child.  While the "try" part can be extremely fun, after two years, it can become frustrating.  We read every book, we talked to our doctors, had tests done, and so on but it was starting to wear on both of us.  Here is where I must convince you to continue trying no matter how frustrating it seems.  Never give up; because the end result is absolutely breath-taking and amazing!  You're time too, will come and when it does, you must absolutely embrace it and celebrate it!

So, we were about ready to give up (which I truly caution you not to) when it happened.  All good things come in time and our time had finally come.  When she announced it, I was elated, happy, scared, excited, worried, and dumbfounded all at once.  That's right, dumbfounded.  I had no idea what to do next.  I mean none, nada, zip, zilch, zero.

Luckily, my wife knew exactly what to do. We got a baby doctor and the rest, as they say, is history. I can't fully put into words every emotion that went through me when my wife announced that we were pregnant, but the end emotion was absolute joy and happiness.  I was finally going to be a father and, most importantly, a dad!  I couldn't wait to hold the little guy in my arms and say "Daddy's got you, everything will be okay."