I apologize for being gone for two weeks, I've had some medical issues, but I'm back now!
Okay, you've got the news: your wife is pregnant. Once the news wears off, you're like "Now what?!!" "What do I do now?!" You may use a lot of other words, expletives and phrases, but it's the same general reaction we all have. We have no idea what to do next and there is no manual; not that we would read the manual anyway. I suggest you change that idea as fast as you can. Read everything you can get your eyes on. There is a lot of information out there, some of it technical, but most of it is aimed at the woman. That's why I'm here to give you the best advice I can because there isn't much else out there just for men.
First piece of advice: Read. But be selective in what you read. Don't read too much about what the woman is going through because you will live it for the next nine months. She'll let you know in no uncertain terms what she is going through. Instead, read about what the birthing process is like. Read about what you can expect in the delivery room and in the hospital room afterwards. Read about the stages of development throughout the pregnancy. Get excited about it. Know when you can expect to hear a heart beat, see the head, the limbs, and so on. That's what I mean by get informed about the process. Discuss what you learn with your wife, but pay attention to what she doesn't want to hear about. There are some things she may not want to know but that fascinate the snot out of us because we are sick and twisted that way.
Next piece of advice: Communicate. Do not ignore or run away from your wife/girlfriend. Talk to her. Be mindful of her feelings and mood, but don't hover. If you ask how she is doing and she says she's okay, then she's okay. As her hormones spin more and more out of control, she will be unable to keep from telling you what she needs, wants, or thinks of you and being pregnant at any given moment. In other words, after the first trimester, you won't really have to ask how she's doing because she'll have told you already. Pay attention to that. Make her comfortable when she needs it. Let her know that you love her and are there for her, but, above all, talk to her about the baby and the pregnancy. At some point, you'll have to talk about baby names, furniture, paint color, and much, much more. Be open to those discussions. Really listen to those discussions and respond honestly. Don't be flippant or off-hand about your responses because that could start issues you don't want or need; and we know that we respond that way because we don't know how else to respond (get over it!). Give your honest opinion. And above all, don't dictate. Share information, talk as if it's a two-way street because it is. You're involved now, so BE involved. Let her know how you're feeling, let her know your concerns, fears, and so on. You'll probably find out that she shares a lot of those feelings and you may find that some of her answers make you feel better about the pregnancy.
Final piece of advice for now: Be Supportive. Don't be mean or derogatory. All that ever does and start fights and cause strife that could otherwise be avoided. Don't be a jerk. She may call you a jerk when you're not being one, but later apologize so don't give her reasons to call you a jerk. If she cries for no reason, hold her and tell her it will be okay. If she screams at you for no reason, take it. That goes against our very macho, tough guy nature, but fight that nature. You'll thank me for it. Because she doesn't really mean it. Remember, almost everything you are about to experience is hormone driven. And, it's driven by hormones she can't control no matter how much she tries.
You are about to experience a lot of highs and lows that you have no control over. You can try to control it, but it's like wrestling cats in a bag int he middle of a hurricane. And that kind of fight goes nowhere fast. For the next nine months, its not really about you though you are involved. Get that through your thick skull. When this crazy, wild ride is over, you will be holding your new born son or daughter and everything you just went through will suddenly be worth it.
One of the greatest tools and resources I found during this process is one my wife actually found and subscribed to. And that is a website called www.babycenter.com. This site is full of all sorts of useful information, including what to expect at each stage of development. Sign up for the site, enter your wife's expected due date, and you will be amazed at what you will learn and how accurate they are, I know I was.
That's it for now! Next time we talk about cravings and your responsibility!
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
The Announcement - My Response
How did I handle the announcement? Completely stunned. For a man who often has a lot to say, I didn't know what to say. Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that I can't be quiet; and, when others are talking, I often can't wait for them to stop talking so I can. I was simply stupefied. Eventually, when I found my voice I asked "Are you Sure?". Of course she was sure, especially my wife. Over the span of two days, she took three pregnancy tests and consulted the NP (Nurse Practitioner) in her office before she was confident enough to tell me. She knew my hopes were high and she didn't want to dash those hopes. Bless her heart!
Let me back track a little here and give you some background before I continue on. When I met my wife, she was absolutely dead set against having children. I, of course, wanted lots. We didn't really discuss children until we'd been together for some time and, by then, I was hopelessly in love with her; so there was no question that we would stay together no matter what.
Over the next several years, I slowly convinced her that it wouldn't be the nightmare she feared. She was really worried that we would raise a hellion based on other people's children and how they behaved in public. She was adamant that she would not raise a child like that. I whole-heartedly agreed which is how we eventually came to the decision that we would have a child. She finally realized that, after much convincing, every child was different and so was every parent and every situation. We would do our best with whatever was handed to us to raise a child we could be proud of.
Once we finally came to that agreement, we began to try to have a child. While the "try" part can be extremely fun, after two years, it can become frustrating. We read every book, we talked to our doctors, had tests done, and so on but it was starting to wear on both of us. Here is where I must convince you to continue trying no matter how frustrating it seems. Never give up; because the end result is absolutely breath-taking and amazing! You're time too, will come and when it does, you must absolutely embrace it and celebrate it!
So, we were about ready to give up (which I truly caution you not to) when it happened. All good things come in time and our time had finally come. When she announced it, I was elated, happy, scared, excited, worried, and dumbfounded all at once. That's right, dumbfounded. I had no idea what to do next. I mean none, nada, zip, zilch, zero.
Luckily, my wife knew exactly what to do. We got a baby doctor and the rest, as they say, is history. I can't fully put into words every emotion that went through me when my wife announced that we were pregnant, but the end emotion was absolute joy and happiness. I was finally going to be a father and, most importantly, a dad! I couldn't wait to hold the little guy in my arms and say "Daddy's got you, everything will be okay."
Let me back track a little here and give you some background before I continue on. When I met my wife, she was absolutely dead set against having children. I, of course, wanted lots. We didn't really discuss children until we'd been together for some time and, by then, I was hopelessly in love with her; so there was no question that we would stay together no matter what.
Over the next several years, I slowly convinced her that it wouldn't be the nightmare she feared. She was really worried that we would raise a hellion based on other people's children and how they behaved in public. She was adamant that she would not raise a child like that. I whole-heartedly agreed which is how we eventually came to the decision that we would have a child. She finally realized that, after much convincing, every child was different and so was every parent and every situation. We would do our best with whatever was handed to us to raise a child we could be proud of.
Once we finally came to that agreement, we began to try to have a child. While the "try" part can be extremely fun, after two years, it can become frustrating. We read every book, we talked to our doctors, had tests done, and so on but it was starting to wear on both of us. Here is where I must convince you to continue trying no matter how frustrating it seems. Never give up; because the end result is absolutely breath-taking and amazing! You're time too, will come and when it does, you must absolutely embrace it and celebrate it!
So, we were about ready to give up (which I truly caution you not to) when it happened. All good things come in time and our time had finally come. When she announced it, I was elated, happy, scared, excited, worried, and dumbfounded all at once. That's right, dumbfounded. I had no idea what to do next. I mean none, nada, zip, zilch, zero.
Luckily, my wife knew exactly what to do. We got a baby doctor and the rest, as they say, is history. I can't fully put into words every emotion that went through me when my wife announced that we were pregnant, but the end emotion was absolute joy and happiness. I was finally going to be a father and, most importantly, a dad! I couldn't wait to hold the little guy in my arms and say "Daddy's got you, everything will be okay."
Sunday, August 31, 2014
The Announcement: Holy Cow! - Are You Sure?
After the stunned silence passes, that's the first question we ask; isn't it dads? Are you sure? Well of course your significant other is sure, otherwise there'd be no announcement. Right? Ladies, if you do happen to read this, you'd better be sure. If your lady is not sure, I hope she goes to see her doctor or gets a pregnancy test or both to be sure. I'll tell you why. We go through a lot of emotions, don't we dads? Emotions that most of our partners have no idea that we go through. And when the announcement is made, we dads-to-be fall into a couple of categories.
The dad that wants to be a dad: After the announcement, he's as excited as he can be. He wants to be a dad so he's as ready as he'll ever be. At least he thinks so, don't we dads? But we are never truly prepared. Here's a crazy truth: no matter how much you read about or ask doctors about, no one is every truly prepared. Every pregnancy and every baby are completely their own thing. Sure, there are similarities, but no pregnancy is every like another and no baby is ever like another. Guys, that's something you better learn and adapt to fast because the roller coaster is just starting.
Now, if you're the dad that wants to be a dad, which one are you? Yes, there are some categories within this category. Two actually. The involved dad is the first one. He's the one that wants to help with everything. He wants to be a part of the whole process. He wants to go to the appointments and make sure his lady is well taken care of. That's great guys, but don't over due it. Don't smother her or you're in for a world of frustration. If she says she's okay, or leave me alone, ask her once to verify then let her be. She'll let you know when she needs you. Get used to that idea gentlemen. When your lady is pregnant, you are on call 24/7!
The not-involved dad is the second one in the category of the dad that wants to be a dad. Unfortunately, there are all too many of you guys out there. You're excited to be a dad, but you either have no idea what to do so you do nothing or you have no interest in getting involved. "She's pregnant, its her problem" seems to be your philosophy. Get over it gentlemen, once your lady is pregnant you are involved no matter how much you try to distance yourself from the situation. After talking to a lot of my fellow fathers, I know that some of you don't want to make matters worse or you're scared you're going to screw up so that's why you don't get as involved as you should. I'll tell you the cure for that; do research. Get informed so that you won't be so out of your depth. Because, let's face it guys, we are totally out of our depth when it comes a pregnant woman. Also get used to the idea that you probably will screw up from time to time. I know we don't like to think we make mistakes or that we are fallible, but we are. Come to terms with that as soon as you can because it will make you less frustrated than you might otherwise get.
The other category is the dad that doesn't want to be a dad. There are way too many of you that end up as father's. If you don't want to be a dad, then don't have sex. If you have to have sex, then have protected sex. But realize that that is no guarantee. Condoms get holes in them or break. Birth control isn't a perfect fix either guys. My wife has forgotten to take doses from time to time. It happens. It's not malicious or intentional, it just happens; especially in the busy lives we all have these days.
If you don't want to be a dad but end up a dad anyway, get this thought out of your head: She's ruining my life. Another thought you need to get out of your head is that she did it on purpose. These are both absolutely wrong (in almost every case this is true, but I'm sure there are a couple of exceptions. Get forced to watch enough T.V. movies and you'll see the possibilities). She's not ruining your life, you are (if you choose to view it as ruined, which it's not). She didn't do it on purpose, you did. You participated in the sex, so you are as much responsible as she is. Get that through your thick skull. You are NOT blameless in this so you need to step it up. Take responsibility for your involvement in the creation process. You need to accept that you had a hand in your lady being pregnant and you need to get involved. It may not be what you planned, but all plans are out the window at this point. You're life has officially changed.
Even if you want to be a dad and think your ready for it, once the announcement has been made and confirmed (because we need that confirmation don't we guys?), then you're life, as you know it, is done. It is now changing for the better, believe me. There is nothing in the world that compares to holding your child for the first time. Nothing at all.
The worst kind of reaction that any guy could have out of this whole situation is to completely run away. Maybe you run away because you don't want any part of it. Maybe you run away because you don't want your child to have the life you had. Maybe you think that running away will be better for your child. It won't. That child will now carry some effect from you running away. They may resent all fathers or men. They may hate your guts and be angry for the rest of their life which could lead to unpredictable and dangerous behavior. Or, they could want to hunt you down to ask why or give you a piece of their mind. No matter what you think, you're still involved. You're still a part of that child's life in some way. So don't run away, take responsibility and get involved. Get informed and get ready.
Whichever dad you are, whichever category you fall into, you are a father. Once you've got your confirmation, that child is yours not matter what you do. As my mom has always said "Once a parent, always a parent." I guess the final thing I want to say for this article is this: Choose to be a dad, not just the father of the child. Choose to get involved and be an active part of that child's life. Because, no matter what, you are, large or small, a part of that child's life.
I chose to be the excited dad, and I have no regrets. I love my son to death and would do anything for him. Make that choice gentlemen and you won't regret it either.
The dad that wants to be a dad: After the announcement, he's as excited as he can be. He wants to be a dad so he's as ready as he'll ever be. At least he thinks so, don't we dads? But we are never truly prepared. Here's a crazy truth: no matter how much you read about or ask doctors about, no one is every truly prepared. Every pregnancy and every baby are completely their own thing. Sure, there are similarities, but no pregnancy is every like another and no baby is ever like another. Guys, that's something you better learn and adapt to fast because the roller coaster is just starting.
Now, if you're the dad that wants to be a dad, which one are you? Yes, there are some categories within this category. Two actually. The involved dad is the first one. He's the one that wants to help with everything. He wants to be a part of the whole process. He wants to go to the appointments and make sure his lady is well taken care of. That's great guys, but don't over due it. Don't smother her or you're in for a world of frustration. If she says she's okay, or leave me alone, ask her once to verify then let her be. She'll let you know when she needs you. Get used to that idea gentlemen. When your lady is pregnant, you are on call 24/7!
The not-involved dad is the second one in the category of the dad that wants to be a dad. Unfortunately, there are all too many of you guys out there. You're excited to be a dad, but you either have no idea what to do so you do nothing or you have no interest in getting involved. "She's pregnant, its her problem" seems to be your philosophy. Get over it gentlemen, once your lady is pregnant you are involved no matter how much you try to distance yourself from the situation. After talking to a lot of my fellow fathers, I know that some of you don't want to make matters worse or you're scared you're going to screw up so that's why you don't get as involved as you should. I'll tell you the cure for that; do research. Get informed so that you won't be so out of your depth. Because, let's face it guys, we are totally out of our depth when it comes a pregnant woman. Also get used to the idea that you probably will screw up from time to time. I know we don't like to think we make mistakes or that we are fallible, but we are. Come to terms with that as soon as you can because it will make you less frustrated than you might otherwise get.
The other category is the dad that doesn't want to be a dad. There are way too many of you that end up as father's. If you don't want to be a dad, then don't have sex. If you have to have sex, then have protected sex. But realize that that is no guarantee. Condoms get holes in them or break. Birth control isn't a perfect fix either guys. My wife has forgotten to take doses from time to time. It happens. It's not malicious or intentional, it just happens; especially in the busy lives we all have these days.
If you don't want to be a dad but end up a dad anyway, get this thought out of your head: She's ruining my life. Another thought you need to get out of your head is that she did it on purpose. These are both absolutely wrong (in almost every case this is true, but I'm sure there are a couple of exceptions. Get forced to watch enough T.V. movies and you'll see the possibilities). She's not ruining your life, you are (if you choose to view it as ruined, which it's not). She didn't do it on purpose, you did. You participated in the sex, so you are as much responsible as she is. Get that through your thick skull. You are NOT blameless in this so you need to step it up. Take responsibility for your involvement in the creation process. You need to accept that you had a hand in your lady being pregnant and you need to get involved. It may not be what you planned, but all plans are out the window at this point. You're life has officially changed.
Even if you want to be a dad and think your ready for it, once the announcement has been made and confirmed (because we need that confirmation don't we guys?), then you're life, as you know it, is done. It is now changing for the better, believe me. There is nothing in the world that compares to holding your child for the first time. Nothing at all.
The worst kind of reaction that any guy could have out of this whole situation is to completely run away. Maybe you run away because you don't want any part of it. Maybe you run away because you don't want your child to have the life you had. Maybe you think that running away will be better for your child. It won't. That child will now carry some effect from you running away. They may resent all fathers or men. They may hate your guts and be angry for the rest of their life which could lead to unpredictable and dangerous behavior. Or, they could want to hunt you down to ask why or give you a piece of their mind. No matter what you think, you're still involved. You're still a part of that child's life in some way. So don't run away, take responsibility and get involved. Get informed and get ready.
Whichever dad you are, whichever category you fall into, you are a father. Once you've got your confirmation, that child is yours not matter what you do. As my mom has always said "Once a parent, always a parent." I guess the final thing I want to say for this article is this: Choose to be a dad, not just the father of the child. Choose to get involved and be an active part of that child's life. Because, no matter what, you are, large or small, a part of that child's life.
I chose to be the excited dad, and I have no regrets. I love my son to death and would do anything for him. Make that choice gentlemen and you won't regret it either.
Saturday, August 30, 2014
What's My Purpose You Ask?
My purpose? To post articles about what it's like being dad from a dads point of view and to offer advice, ideas, and a forum for discussion for all dads.
I did a lot research when my wife announced that we were pregnant to find books, websites, and quick access to information that would help me as a first time dad. I gotta tell you, even the stuff I found that said it was aimed at dads ended up being about the mom. That's not what I want to do here. I want to give dads a place to talk, seek advice, and stay focused on dads.
We don't always show or convey our emotions as men and that's something we'll talk about here as well. Are we going to get all mushy and sobby? Maybe, maybe not. We'll see how that all develops. We certainly could end up in that direction depending on the occasion or the discussion; so I won't discount the possibility. And, I won't discourage it. If you want to get emotional, please do, there are no judgments here. That's what this place is for.
I will offer advice to first time dads, long time dads, young dads, old dads, and any other kind of dad. Does that mean moms will be completely excluded? No, they are welcome to stop by and read what we are talking about. They can even chime in if they want. But, I hope that all moms stopping by will view what's here with an open mind and maybe walk away with a better understanding of where their husbands, boyfriends, or partners are coming from. Maybe, in my own way, I can help people become closer and better for themselves and their children.
I'll throw out ideas for how to deal with certain situations and I'll happily welcome any ideas people have for me to deal with situations that I run into. There's a lot of different opinions and ways to deal with things that pop up. I hope to help clarify some of that.
Some days will just be open discussion days for people to just vent and bring their problems out into the open. I have a lot of friends who are dads and they will pop in from time to time to offer their advice as well. Plus, I hope to have a few of them throw in some guest articles that may clarify things for those of you who need clarification on things.
Finally, I will do product reviews of the items that helped me and my wife with our lovely son. There are some amazingly useful products out there and some that just make you wonder why the heck you even paid money for it. We'll go over all of that in due time.
No, I'm not a psychologist or doctor of any kind. I'm just an ordinary guy who believes that ordinary guys need the unfiltered up front information that can only come from an ordinary guy.
I plan to offer something new every couple of days, so drop in, say hello and enjoy what you see coming next!
Thanks for joining me!
Mike
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)